I Have Returned!

Wow, long time no type! Guess I was busier this summer than I thought! Yes, I took summer classes...two of them! I was so proud of myself for sticking with it, and even managed to pass Algebra 110 with somewhat flying colors...lol. Life is grand at the moment and has been really most of the summer. Things are working out finally in love and Gordy and I have been together for a few months now, guess that chance finally came after all and with no wrong doing of my own. All of his issues and decisions were solely his. So we now live in Springfield, moved here about a month ago, and it's making things much easier for class. Not only for me, but for my daughters as well, Sydney will begin headstart 5 days a week next month and Katy gets to go to Willard South, which is awesome, because I prefer suburb schools over Springfield. I got a much bigger house with another bed and bath from what I had before and I'm loving the extra space. If anyone is still reading this, you know I have changed my mind many times about what I want to do in school and the reason why is because I want to be sure it's something I love. I think I have finally decided on Art History Education. This probably means I will have to transfer to MSU next semester which is scary bc I'm just getting used to OTC and loving it. On the other hand, two of the classes I have this semester here at OTC are Art history type classes and I look forward every day to going. Another piece of news that's amazing is that Gordy and I are opening a restaurant downtown next to Maria's! We're shooting for October 1st. I love the idea he came up with to do a type of restaurant that's very popular in Europe, but nonetheless, I have never seen one in this area...all appetizers! I think this is amazing bc I know that so many times in a group of ppl going out to eat it's hard to decided on one type of food that everyone wants. This way, ppl can come in groups and everyone has a choice of food! Besides that, I know as a woman that if I'm going out on the town for the night I want some food in my belly first, but don't want to be overly stuffed and sick feeling therefore, this is perfect for downtown near the bars. We're doing many of everyone's typical favorites we chose by taking polls online and by just asking family and friends, and chose the most popular ones. Then we added some different tastes from around the world as well with a few sandwiches and salads too. I can't wait and think this is going to be an amazing change in our lives. I expect to see you all there!

Guiding Light

It's a crazy world out there, and emotions are running high! However one of those emotions is the love I am beginning to feel for finding faith and God in my life. Reading back over my previous post, I understand now, that He was talking to me, saying it's not right, and I knew it. I decided to make a move that was very hard by letting go of the possibility at a relationship with this friend, which actually enlightened me in ways you would not believe! He then, of course is now begging for my attention, but I keep explaining to him that it's wrong and he needs to live his life and then let God handle the rest. In the process of finding this faith and allowing myself to love Him, I am meeting people that make me feel amazing about myself and that all the wrongs I have done will be forgiven. To have this sense of fulfillment has been the missing link in my life. I was always scared to being attending church for the thought of being judged by others for all my misdoings and the possibility of being struck by lightning as I walked through the doors. I know now that isn't true, and that there are so many people out there filled with the same purest type of love that I should have in my life. I can't wait to travel the journey He will take me on and continue to learn and get to know Him better. Even though I know it hurts someone else, I know in the long run, it is also best for him, and that one day, he will understand.

Blue Plate Monday's

I'm a little late for Blue Plate Monday, my internet wasn't cooperating, but still wanted to share! Today I'm thinking icky sweet things about the way my life is happening and suddenly turning around. The people I have gotten close with in a very short time that are helping me find my way to faith. So therefore, today's recipe is sticky, gooey, and melts in your mouth.

Monkey Bread

3 cans butter flavored biscuits
2 cups sugar
3 T. cinammon
stick melted butter

Preheat oven to 350. You will need a bunt cake pan also. mix the sugar and brown sugar together, I don't really measure, so the above may not be quite right. The mixture should be pretty brown though. Melt the butter in a dish. Pick apart the biscuits one by one, rolling them into balls, you should be able to get about 3 balls per biscuit. Dip each ball in the butter and roll in sugar mixture, then place in the bunt pan. Keep doing this, just stacking them all on top of each other and filling in the gaps as you go until they are gone. Pour any leftover butter you may have on top. (if you used it all, melt a little more just for this part) And sprinkle any leftover sugar mix on top as well. Bake at 350 for about 45 mins or until you can stick a toothpick well down into it w/o having any dough on the toothpick when you pull it out. Turn over onto a plate and release all the buttery sugar filled goodness. Pick apart with your fingers if you like, makes a great snack to sit on the counter.

Down and Out

Well, haven't written in a few days, I guess I just haven't really been sure of what to say. Some days are ok, and others feel like the end of the world. I still miss Sonny, even though I really didn't think I would that much. There's another situation that isn't playing out the way I thought it would and I know what you're all going to think when you read this. Been talking to a guy I dated in high school and even went to prom with. He was my high school sweetheart. I know, I've mentioned him before and tried to play it off as friends only, but we both admit that we still have feelings for each other. The problem is, he approached me with this a few months ago and I wasn't comfortable going there yet, so that's how I ended up with Sonny. He respected that the entire time and still remained my friend. Now we have broken up, but Gordy is now engaged. He says he's thinking twice about it, and I hate myself for wishing he would end it. It just seems like it's not fair and that after 13 years we should have our chance again. The good person in me however, doesn't want anything to do with breaking another woman's heart. I have told him repeatedly to do what makes him happy because that is all I will ever want for him and I will still be here as a friend no matter what. The whole engagement seems like such a sham though! She lives in Las Vegas and he only sees her a couple times a year. He hid the engagement from family and friends only telling me and one other person. And he's admitting he has feelings for me. So tell me, what does that say to you? I don't understand if he feels the way he says, then he shouldn't be marrying someone, it's not fair to her. I can't lie, like I said part of me is screaming out to have my one shot at this amazing person that I've been trying to deny I was interested in, since I had a boyfriend at the time. The other part feels like the worst person in the world.

Final Post

Well, this will be my final required post for my English class. I hope to continue on with this blog and that I can stay disciplined to it. I may not have quite to many entries per week from now on, but I can honestly say that I like having it as an outlet. The end of this first semester is drawing near, and when it first started, I thought it would never end. Now, I can't believe I'm about to take the first finals I have ever had to do in my entire life. I'm loving this experience and I am soooo happy that I decided to finally go for it. There have been some bumps in the road along the way, but I'm learning and figuring it out. I hope this takes my life in the right direction so I can give my kids everything they will ever need or want without a struggle. I have met so many interesting people, and made a couple of friends, it will be nice to see if some of those friendships last past the end of school. I have a feeling I may see some of them around anyway, but like I said in a previous blog, some of those friendships can be hard to maintain. Good luck to all of my classmates, I hope your college career goes as well as mine seems to be, and I'm blessed to have this opportunity with you all.

ICW, What's Your Favorite Dish?

This is a very hard question for me, as I love to cook all kinds of things. Since I feel unable to pick out one, what I'm going to do is write about my favorite TYPE of food. Italian would be my favorite in that case, and I do know alot of Italian dishes that I make. From Pizza Baked Spaghetti, to Chicken Alfredo (from scratch), to Meatballs, and Lasagna. I love all Italian food. I think it's the noodles that get me, it just seems amazing that some boiled dough can taste so yummy. The spices go hand in hand with this genre and the flavor you get from any Italian dish is just incomparable to me. I love all the cheese, the sauces and spices blended in different ways, but I think what has always gotten my attention is also the way that Italians really take their food to heart. They are very proud of their recipes and the atmosphere that surrounds a dinner is the most heart warming I have found. I'm an Irish girl in my blood, but in my heart I think there is some Italian. I would love to travel there as well and see all the rolling hills and winery's, the vineyards and dirt roads that seem to go forever onward until suddenly there's a small quaint home. I love the art and the romanticism. Therefore, I of course love the food.

Most Italian food is some sort of pasta. After trying many different procedures in making sure your pasta is perfectly cooked is to add a little oil and some salt, this flavors it and keeps it from sticking. As for texture, I've found that if it's sticking to your teeth in a test bite, then it's not quite done and needs just a couple more minutes. Spices are a key ingredient for the sauces, whether it's a marinara dip, or alfredo. Alfredo sauces give a wonderfully rich taste when there's a little garlic thrown in and your standard spaghetti sauce can always use a blended Italian seasoning mixed in with it as well as some seasoned salt. Cheese is usually another key ingredient and you want to be sure you use the right kind. Mozzarella is amazing in small chunks in the middle of your meatballs, but a colby and jack mix will be best on top of a lasagna with some ricotta in the layers. You always want to be sure you pick the right type depending on what consistancy you want in the dish.

PB&J

First get the bread out of the tupperware dish in the cabinet that keeps it nice and soft, you will need two pieces. Replace the lid on the tupperware and put back in the cabinet. You will need a butter knife from the drawer to your left, and the jar of GOOBER (a mix of peanut butter and jelly in one jar) from the cabinet to your upper right. Open the jar and use the butter knife to scoop out a very large amount, and then spread over one side of one piece of the bread until it's even. Place the other piece of bread on top of the PB and J side. Now, for my kids I have a cut little sandwich cutter, which takes off the crust and cuts in in half in the shape of two hearts all at the same time. If you would like, its in the top drawer and you may use it:)

Blue Plate Monday's

Hello Blue Plate Monday participants! This is yet another remake that my kids absolutely love, and just gives spaghetti a different spin. I forget where exactly it came from, but I'm thinking Fazzoli's. You could probably substitute alot of the meat for whatever your family likes, but this is the way I do it! Enjoy.

Pizza Baked Spaghetti

1/2 lb. Italian sausage
1 pkg. pepperoni
1 pkg. canadian bacon
1/2 lb. hamburger
handful of thin spaghetti noodles
Italian flavored spaghetti sauce
16 oz. shredded cheese

brown sausage and burger. cut bacon and pepperoni in small pieces, leaving a handful uncut. mix all meat together with spaghetti sauce. mix with cooked noodles, (it works a little better if you break the noodles in half before boiling them). now mix in about 1/4 of the cheese with everything and put whole mixture into a round glass baking dish. On top sprinkle with the rest of the cheese and place whole pieces of bacon and pepperoni on top, like a pizza. Now, cover and bake at 350 for about 30 mins, remove lid and let meat on top brown slightly. Goes great with garlic cheese bread!

Friends

It's funny how life works out. We get involved and sometimes think that alot of people just don't have the time to put the effort in that it takes to keep a friendship. You may begin to think, well that's ok, we all change and for the most part we make alot of friends, but eventually move on. Over the last few months, I had begun to notice that I didn't hear from alot of my friends quite as much anymore. I completely understand, as we all have lives to live and mine especially is pretty different from theirs. Most of them don't have kids like I do, so I rarely have the chance to make time to see them, and I live so far out of Springfield, that it takes alot of planning for them to come here. It's understandable, and that's the way most of my friendships go, around for a while, gone for a while, and only one or two that make the cut for good. However, I would like to happily say, that I have been proven slightly wrong recently. In my time of need, they are there. Suddenly reappearing and trying to help keep my spirits up. Here I was, thinking I was all alone in the world, short of my family and kids, and they were paying more attention than I knew. I don't know what I would do without any of them, and the gratitude I have will last forever. I love them all, and every person who has been in my life, even if they're not still around. We all need friends like that, and I'm ecstatic that I do.

Ending and Beginnings

I saw a quote once that I loved, because it seems to be a perfect discription of how I try to live my life. It said: Every story has and end, but in life every ending is just a new beginning. I don't regret the stories in my life that have ended at all, because I know that everything happens for a reason, and each chapter just brings me closer to the end of the book. I thought I was completely in love with someone, but as they say, love is blind, and for some odd reason I couldn't see that he didn't love me the same way. Another story that has suddenly ended, and at first I thought I would just die from the pain. Two days later, here I am, still alive and kickin, and dealing much better than I thought. I know there are many opportunities for love out there, and eventually some day, maybe sooner than I think, it will find me. After realizing that he didn't feel the same and putting myself in his shoes, I realized that I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want me. Also enlightening was the fact that most of the things my love for him was stemming from weren't real. So, therefore, how could I feel so strongly when they were feelings that came based from a lie? I'm keeping my chin up, and it is hard to get used to being alone again, but I have my girls keeping me smiling. They are the best medicine for heartbreak in the whole world. When I look at them I realize, that no man in this world will ever make me feel the way they do. I'm going to move on, not give up on love, and not blame the next person for someone else's mistakes. I know I have enough love inside of me to give it all to someone who will eventually not abuse it and it will be the best feeling of fulfillment in the world. There's someone out there for me, I know it. Even though at times it seems like he'll never show his face, but I can feel it out there somewhere, even though I may have never met him yet. Then again, maybe I have met him already and opportunity has not made it possible for us quite yet. Who knows...but I won't give up and I won't let rejection defeat me. Someone will love me for who I am, mistakes and all, and not judge me for them. Someone will realize that all I have ever wanted is to be completely in love and not have a doubt in my mind. That I want that person to be by my side when I'm sick, give me a hug when I cry, and holding my hand as I take my last breath of life.

Things I Love

The little things I love the most...
The little things I love the most...
-I love that I miss someone
-watching my kids play make-believe
-Sydney's laugh
-Katy's arguments
-writing
-driving in the country for no reason
-gas station pizza
-dressing up for a nice sushi dinner
-popcorn and a movie
-kissing boo boo's
-adrenaline from watching a scary movie
-hearing "Good morning, Mommy"
-saying "I love you" and meaning it
-clean kids and jammy's after a bath
-birthday's
-feeding the ducks with the girls
-sunsets
-sunrises in the summer at the lake
-my refrigerator covered in children's drawings
-going for a ride in a hot car
-laughing
-crying
-getting a txt msg that just says "I miss you"
-poems
-irony
-cuddling on the couch
-proving a point
-reading a fairy tale book with a perfect ending
-Disney movies
-BBQ's
-listening to my girls have a real discussion from outside the room
-the way my dog thinks she can talk to me
-my cat AJ's loyalty through thick and thin
-my life
-thunderstorms
-cooking
-music
-thinking about things I don't have the answer to
-putting a smile on someone else's face
-answering "Are we there yet?"
-surprises
-flowers for no reason
-love songs
-walks
-goodnight kisses
-holding hands
-pictures
-when my kids outgrow their shoes
-winter clothes
-floating on the river in the hot summer sun
-camp fires
-fairies
-dragonflies
-laying on the cool grass on a hot summer night and looking at the stars
.....I could go on forever, but these are just a few

Blue Plate Monday's

So my English professor has this awesome blog that I found. She does a little thing she likes to call "Blue Plate Monday's" in which you enter a recipe to share each Monday. Why "Blue"? Because she collects pieces of dishware that are blue and white, and by the looks of it, she has alot to be proud of. Anyway, as I have mentioned before, I love to cook, and like finding new dishes to prepare for my family. I also love to share my recipes unlike many women out there who think they consist of gold flakes somewhere in the ingredients and won't share. I like knowing that people enjoy my food, and it makes me feel accomplished to know that they enjoy it. So here is one that I get alot of compliments on, and I hope you like it as much as I do. It's a recreation I got from my mom, that she actually recreated first after ordering it in a restaurant (I like my version better tho).

Mushroom Bowls

4 large Portebello Mushroom tops
small container ricotta cheese
8 oz.french onion dip
4 oz.sour cream
shredded Italian blend cheese
box of seafood beer batter
butter flavored crisco

First you will need to heat up a deep fryer or butter flavored crisco in a deep pan. Also, preheat oven to 350. First cut off any stem that may be left on the mushrooms so they are flat on the bottom. Wash the mushrooms and set aside lightly folded up in a paper towel to dry. Mix the batter according to the directions, you can use the preference of beer vs. water to your liking and set aside. Next mix the ricotta, sour cream and french onion together in a seperate bowl. Once the oil is heated up, dip the mushrooms in the batter and coat them completely, and fry for only about a minute and a half each, then set aside to cool for about 5 mins. Now, flat side of the mushrooms up, pile on the mix of dip, sour cream and ricotta until there's a pretty good amount on top. Sprinkle the shredded cheese on top of that until again a good amount (more the better). Now, place the mushrooms on a cookie sheet covered with aluminum foil, because this will end up a little messy! Put into the oven for about 10 mins or until the cheese is melted and the topping is spilling over. Now, just cut into it and enjoy! It's a little messy to eat but is very filling and goes great with some pasta!

A Blog About Blogging

In the past I had used blogging a few times on Myspace just to get things out that I needed to get off my chest, or maybe to post an inspiring poem or two that I would find occassionally. I have found with this assignment, I feel more confident with my blogging on this site,because I know that the other people reading it are here for the same reason I am. Just to write, that's it. No showing off pictures or playing games or flirting or anything like that. The people here are blogging just because they enjoy writing, like me. Therefore, I have found that I have not blogged one single time on Myspace since I started here. I've been thinking about how I got started because of an assignment, but I think when it's over, I'll continue. Even though I don't have alot of followers or anything like that, I like to think that maybe people are reading, and just not letting me know. I enjoy the fact that I can get things out and not really worry about what people think of it. We bloggers all have our days where we type things and post them, even if they don't make alot of sense, but nobody thinks a thing of it, because we all understand. I read a blog recently about "blog lurkers" and for a while, I admit I was one of these people. Casusally searching and reading public blogs just to see what the world had to say, but not leaving any comments or questions about it. This person dared us lurkers to come out and start leaving responses because in truth, we all know that we enjoy them, and like to know what people think, and that somebody is hearing what we have to say. All in all, I'm liking this blog thing, and have even been trying to turn some other people on to it as well.

What Is a Place-Pre-Write

So as I'm sure you all know, we have an essay due on Monday. It's supposed to be about a place, personal or not. It could be a place you haven't even been to but have always wanted to know more about. This is my pre-writing to get some ideas for that because really, I have many. The first thing that pops into my head is of course my hometown of Conway, here in Missouri. It's a tiny little town where "everyone knows your name" and sometimes they even know what you did on Friday night before you do. There were alot of good and bad memories growing up there, all of which created who I am today. Took me a while to get here, as alot of those things were pretty traumatic for any teen, but were also very character-building. I know there would be alot of things I could find out about it and definitely end up with many pages, but I'm afraid they wouldn't be as interesting words to you as they are to me. Another place I think of is a place that my family once went on vacation to and it ended up in near tragedy. There was a flash flood and I thought my brother was dead, but I think he's writing about that in another class so it's out of the picture. San Antonio and my first trip there to see the Gulf of Mexico flashes in my memories, as that was my first clue I was unhappy in my marriage at the time. We were there on our one year anniversary, so yet again, pretty personal and probably not much fun to hear about. I have always wanted to go to Ireland, it's my number one dream destination. However, there's a guy in our class who absolutely lives and breathes Ireland, so I'm sure he'll write about that and I wouldn't want to torture our teacher with the same place twice. So, I think I have decided on my second dream destination, New Zealand. There aren't any bad memories there, only the good ones I hope will be established there one day, and there's plenty to research as well. Besides, who wouldn't want to write about all the possibilities and history of such a gorgeous piece of land?

Sadie-Amazing Dog Tricks

So as I have said before, I have a completely amazing dog. She is so smart sometimes it just bewilders me. Today being a beautiful day, I went to the store to restock my children's outdoor toys, and in the mess of goodies I ended up with bubbles, frilly wands the wave in the wind, a bouncy ball, a ball and bat, and a frisbee. I didn't really think my kids would be old enough quite yet to learn, but thought it might give my boyfriend and I something to do at the park while the kids play. Of course, I was proved wrong, as my kids took a huge interest in it and learned very quickly how to throw it, and even catch about every other one I tossed their way. Even more amazingly, as I taught my kids this simple but fun sport I heard my dog barking behind me every time we threw it. She wanted the frisbee. She already speaks, and sits, and plays fetch with a tennis ball, so I thought to myself..."How would you teach a dog to play frisbee?" I came inside and quickly looked up different techniques on the internet, most of them being pretty much the same. 1. Introduce the frisbee by playing tug of war with it, always letting the dog win. 2. Roll it along the ground and reward her when she chases it. 3. Once she gets the hang of doing that command her to bring it back. 4. Start tossing it up or holding it high off the ground to get her to jump for it and reward her. 5. Start throwing short tosses to get her to grab it out of the air, now that it's a favorite toy. Now this process is supposed to take place over the course of a few days. I'm proud to say that after about 20 minutes of playing with it, she's already retrieving it and "trying" to catch it in the air. She hasn't quite succeeded yet, but not for lack of trying. I'm just amazed that she's even jumping for it already and gets the concept. I can't wait to spend the weekend teaching her and I think she'll be a pro in no time!

Soul Food

I guess I've heard the term all my life and I vaguely remember watching a movie about it, but I never really understood until recently. Like I've said before, I've been kind of living my life the last few years on auto-pilot. I had started to forget to look at all the little things and didn't really see beyond what was right in front of my face. I was so deep down in my own despair of feeling like a part of my life was missing, regardless of a husband or children, and trying to figure out what it was started to rule over the things I had in my life everyday. I finally have figured out that what was missing in my life was me. The real me. I had forgotten who I was and what I liked to do, things I enjoyed for fun, and most of all my creativity. Now that I'm gaining that back, my eyes have opened in ways that I used to look at life when I was younger, before "real life" started. One thing I started thinking about tonight was soul food. My family has always been big on having a get together just about every week and cooking up some food of some kind. If it's a game day, the food just consists of a bunch of homemade snacks to munch on throughout the day. Usually nothing fancy, but keeps our bellies full and content. Other times of course we go all out and get out the fine china and silver and spotless glasses. Still other times it's paper plates and barbecue. Tonight was one of the latter ones. Steak, shrimp, red and green peppers, and onions on a skewer for the grill, along with fried potatoes and onions, butter and garlic sauteed frog legs and of course; hot dogs and chips for the kiddos. As I sat savoring every bite I looked around my mother's kitchen at everyone else laughing and joking and talking about how the food was amazing but could have used a little more salt. I realized then, THIS is the meaning of soul food. It doesn't matter how fancy or easy it may be or what kind of dishes you use. It doesn't even matter if it's an old family recipe or a brand new one that may become a family tradition in the future. The point is that the food brings us together and it's something for us all to enjoy. Those are the times I will always remember when I'm old. The times we gathered to enjoy a dinner or barbecue, because along with that comes the games, the laughter, the kids, the love, and the story telling.

Baaaad Habits

My resolution this year was to get healthier. So far, I haven't done much of that as usual but I suddenly find myself taking it one step at a time. The first thing I'm working on is alcohol. I enjoy my beer normally a couple times a week, but quite honestly, I just can't afford it anymore, and it seems like trouble always follows it, even if it's not me causing the trouble. I've just decided to stop, except maybe your occasional social get together, which only happens for me once every few months. So this has been easy enough to do for me and I haven't even had a craving for one in a couple of weeks. Along with the drinking comes the smoking and I thought I'd try it cold-turkey this week. Yeah, not working out so well. Over the last few years I've tried everything from hypnosis to prescriptions and none worked. So I'm doing it my way and I'm just gonna have to discipline slowly day by day until I'm down to none. I know that it's a health hazard, I'm not dumb, but for me it's more of an immediate concern since I do already have a condition that could be helped by quitting. For some reason this is my crutch and it just doesn't want to let go. I don't even like them anymore, and I feel horrible every day when I wake up. I don't like being attached to something so much because it makes me feel weak, but like I said, it just won't let go and I can't either. So slowly but surely, I'll get it done. The next cold-turkey stop is going to be Mt. Dew and I'm starting today. I know soda is the biggest reason for my weight gain since I'm downing up to 7 of them a day now. Not only is soda bad, but Mt. Dew is the worst of them all. This one won't be too bad I think, I can replace it with something else caffeine free first and then wean off the sugar part totally. I'm excited and hoping this will work, so I'll keep you updated!

Venting

Let me just start with AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! There, I feel a little better, but I'm gonna keep going. Sometimes I just don't understand men at all. When it comes to finances, taking care of business getting all those little things done that are really just technicalities, I'm good at it. I've learned to have to do it all by myself for the last 10 years, despite being married most of that time. One husband was too lazy to do it himself, and the other was just gone working all the time, so it was left to me. My boyfriend has decided to take the hardest road possible in getting his new car licensed when I know exactly what needs to be done, and I can show him how to do it so he knows from now on. I don't plan on doing it for him, but I don't mind to help. He tells me instead, it's ok, I dont' want you doing it all for me, I want to do it alone. So instead he's going to get his mom to do certain portions of it, and his Aunt to do the others. He doesn't have a clue which documents he needs, how to fill them out or anything. My point being, he's NOT doing it alone! He's still getting help from someone else, just not me! If I were to do it, at least I would be teaching him instead of doing it for him like they all have for years. So he's going to get the same result, but after alot more work, driving, time and OTHER people going out of their way to help him. I just don't understand at all and it's soooo frustrating! On top of that, my ex-husband is doing the same damn thing to me! We had a problem with our child support case a couple months ago and I have been patiently waiting for him to get it resolved. He keeps coming up with different things that different people are telling him when he suupposedly calls. So, finally I called myself. I was given a very easy option for him and myself too, since we always get along and work things out. I called to tell him this and his response was, well I'll call them next week and talk to them about it because they told me not to do that. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's easy dumbass! Just gimme the money, and I go sign an affadavit saying you did! Easy as that! I don't understand where the problem is. Instead, it sounds like he would rather send it in to the state, and risk that the payment gets split up again between myself and his other children's mom, and it's not even her money! That's where this whole thing started to begin with so why would you wanna do that again? I don't understand, that's all I can think of and I know I keep saying it, but it just doesn't make sense. Any of it. Do all men just think that we're retarded and don't know how to take care of business? I mean it's because of him that I had to learn how to do all this crap in the first place, I was dealing with his child support problems with his ex FOR him when we were married! You'd think I'd know a little bit about it. I could sit here all day and give all the tiny details, but that would be too long. I just wanted to vent, and I'm not really sure that I feel any better, but what the hey, it was worth a try.

Little Things

Tonite, my boyfriend and I had our first "argument". I wouldn't really even call it that, but we get along so well, that this is the only thing that has happened that could be considered that. It really consisted of me having a "female moment" which I don't have very many of. I'm not a typical bitchy, whiny, spoiled woman that blames everything on my period and takes advantage of that fact to be mean to other people. I just don't do it. I'm more of a tomboy and love alot of guy type things. I don't like shopping at all, but I love cars, racing, football, video games, and hunting. So anyway, this little disagreement was about me being hurt over something very silly, but that meant alot to me. There are alot of things I have always wanted to do or try and experience together with men in my past, and never had anyone that would do them. This is the first time I have someone so similar to me that I can enjoy these little things together with him for the first time. We realized the other day that Wal-Mart now serves fresh sushi daily in the deli. Having been enjoying sushi with someone finally, we talked about trying it sometime and were just amazed that a deli would have it. One of those silly little "first moment" things you look forward to. Well, on Monday's Sonny stays at his place, just to get a break and some "guy time", plus he's so busy cashing his paycheck and paying bills, that it would be really late by the time he drove to my house in the boondocks. Every other night of the week we are together. So tonight he goes to wal-mart and can't resist this urge to try the sushi. I got upset because I was hurt that he would try it for the first time without me, but in his defense, I guess I never really told him how much I was looking forward to it. It just made me feel forgotten as I sit here missing him and doing absolutely nothing special at all, and there he is in town, enjoying the sushi we were supposed to try together. The example I gave him was that I wait to watch movies he wants to see, until I can watch them with him. Otherwise, I could sit here all day and order them on ppv, but I don't. I wait. I wait because it makes it even more special when we have the chance to watch them and cuddle on the couch together and share our thoughts about it afterwards. I guess I just enjoy the little things more than most people are used to. They mean alot to me, because those are the things I remember, little quirks and silly things and first times. I suppose if this is all we're going to have a disagreement about though, then that's not too shabby. I love him still, and will love him always, and yes, in case you're wondering....I did apologize. (but so did he:O )

Old Souls

I know alot of people don't think this kind of thing is true, but I've seen too many things that just convince me of reincarnation. Some people may tell you that a dog's nature for instance, is in his blood and you can't change the demeanor they are meant to have. I completely disagree. First of all, if you're going to put a technical aspect on it like that, it would be more to the effect of depending on how the animal is raised, how much love, appreciation and attention they are given. You teach a dog to bite it will bite, but until that day, I really don't think it's just in their DNA to do so. Did you know that the highest number of dog bites reported every year are from Cocker Spaniel's? Yup, that's right, cute, short curly haired cocker's. So maybe it does have a little to do with it, but I happen to think the reason for that is that cocker's are very loyal, protective dogs and love their owner's to death. Therefore, they probably bite more to protect them. I have a dog (Sadie) that is only a year old, and acts much older than her age. She is smart, calm (most of the time), loyal, and just amazing all around. When I look in her eyes, it's like I can see a person in there. She has her very own personality and will definitely let you know what she wants specifically, even talking to me in a way with a few low grumbles. I see an old person in her, like she's seen more in this world than I have. A good comparison to this is my brother's tiny little ankle biting thing (Athena). I can't even rember what breed at the moment. Anyway, for the longest time I just got nothing but annoyed with this dog because she's constantly hyper, seems to have no personality, and is always in my face, even though she knows I don't like her. I realized one day that if my dog can be an obedient, relaxed loving dog, much like an older person; then Athena must be a little kid in a dog's body! That's why she's hyper, always wants my attention even when I don't wanna give it, and really has no personality yet other than chewing on her squeak toy. It's because if she really is a child reincarnated, then all of those things fit. So, now we have a certain connection and believe it or not, she acts completely different around me. She stopped jumping up in my face, and instead comes to cuddle. She doesn't jump around all over the place or yip yap like crazy either. It's like she now knows I've realized I'm the parent and she's the kid, and she'd better behave. My boyfriend has two cats (Phoenix and Gizmo) and they are the same way. They're not your typical lazy, grumpy cats that hide all the time, but instead they are very smart and love attention. They talk to him and play games, yes I said play games. I'm talking about a cat that will fetch a hair tie when you throw it or nerf darts when you shoot them down the hallway. Not just going and finding them and then sit to play, but retrieve them like a dog and bring them back to be thrown again! I've never seen anything like it. I really do believe in this, and if you're skeptical, just think about it and maybe pay attention the next time you have a chance. Look at your pet, and think about their demeanor compared to another animal.

Easter

So, I'm taking the easy way out in using Easter as something to write about today, since I seem to have a lack of imagination the last few days. I know sometimes these slumps hit, but they're hard to get out of. My oldest daughter's birthday is tomorrow, and we celebrated it yesterday on Easter. It actually turned out to be a fairly good idea, doing Easter and birthday party at the same time. I mean how many kids get to hunt for dozens of eggs filled with candy and all kinds of things they shouldn't have for a birthday party? It takes away that same old same old feeling of princess cakes and pinata's. My daughter loves Easter, it's one of her favorite holiday's and she even chose to have a cake that was themed green and yellow, topped with plastics rings to wear of bunnies and eggs. We played pin the tail on the donkey, which I'm beginning to think alot of kids these days know nothing about, and we got clown balloons to make animals and party hats out of. On top of that, the kids started using their own ideas for game playing. My oldest niece came up with a couple of games I had forgotten about using the eggs. One was rolling it across the floor with your nose in a race to the other side, and the other one was holding it on a spoon with your mouth and walking to the other side without dropping it. Eventually my mother's box of dress up clothes came out and they all decided to get on "fancy clothes" for the party. It was an amazing day and I think her best birthday yet. I was worried when I first started planning it because I didn't have much money to spend, but in the end it didn't matter and I was more satisfied than ever with how much fun the kids had. I always do try not to focus on money and material things, but once in a great while it's nice to be able to do that, and this was one of those times I had wanted to. Since this is her first year in school, and hearing her come home talking about other kids' parties and where they were going for them, or what they're getting for their gifts, I was worried she would be disappointed with the way we throw parties. It fills my heart up to know that she had just as much fun as any other year. I think I just may have the smartest, most loving, insightful, gifted and understanding child in the whole world and I'm more proud of her than I ever thought I could be.

ICW, What are You Passionate About?

I am passionate about my life. By "life" I mean my children and immediate family. There are alot of things from my childhood I am still dealing with as an adult, and I always swore to myself that I would try to fix those things I was unhappy with when I had children. These things may not mean much to someone else, or seem silly to another parent, maybe even lax, but they were important to me then and I'm just going to assume they will be important to my kids too. I love children, and always have which is why I finally decided to change my major to early childhood development. There are certain things that no college can teach you, but it certianly can't hurt having a little bit of science behind the thinking and teaching of children. If there's one thing I can do different to help a kid that I didn't think of before, I hope I learn it here. I can't wait for next semester to really start getting into the classes that pertain to that field, since right now, I'm only getting my prerequisites out of the way. I do like however, that they are getting my brain "warmed up" for the real stuff. Since I've been out of school for so long, I think I kinda got in a funk and went on auto-pilot for many years. It feels good to get away from my everyday life, come to school, and learn something new. Sometimes even just getting another point of view from different people than what I'm used to hearing, or even a subject brought up that I probably wouldn't have caught myself thinking about before. I feel like all of these things combined are making me a happier, more intelligent, and satisfied person and in return that will show to my kids and family. So maybe if it rubs off on just one other person, it will slowly start to infect us all. So, in short, What am I passionate about? My family, friends, learning, and self-improvement.

Wanted

I think feeling needed and wanted is something we all need in life at some point. I have plenty of people making me feel needed, so that's not a problem at all. It's the wanted part that's getting me. It's also the hardest one to deal with, seeing as how someone WANTING you is not a necessity such as NEEDED. My kids make me feel needed of course everyday, I mean what would they do without me? Yeah there would always be an adult somewhere to take care of them, but it's not the same as having your mother. There again though, even they don't make me feel very wanted. I know I'm not as much fun, or funny to be around as some other people in their lives, and I also know that the mother's and father's role typically fall into category that way. The mother takes care of the necessities to survive, and the father does all the playing and imaginitive portions, which is why it makes it so hard to be a single parent, since you're trying to take on both roles. My boyfriend definitely makes me feel needed, I cook for him every night, a hot meal after his long hard day at work, and he deserves it, but there are some other issues that make me think, would he only miss my cooking if I were gone? I know I'm overreacting and everything is fine, and I know everyone wants me in their lives, I'm just not feeling it much lately and needed to vent that, so I feel better now I guess and I'll go back to taking care of everyone just like I always do, cuz that's the way I roll:)

I Think I Saw a UFO!!!!!!!

No joke. Tonight we had alot of bad storms and the town I live in was right on the path. Seeing as how I live in a crappy little trailer and no storm shelter, my boyfriend and I picked up in about 30 seconds flat and drove with my kids to my mother's about 5 miles away since she has an underground tornado shelter. It was hard enough getting there, since the rain and hail was so bad, but it lightened up, the farther away we got. After about 45 mins of hanging out at her house, waiting out the storm we decided it was safe to go home. My kids stayed at my brother's since he lives right next door, just in case there's anymore weather tonight. So on our way back we get about a mile from her house and I notice far away on the dark skyline a light that I had never seen before and it didn't seem to be moving. I've driven those roads twice a day for ten years now, and I know every lamppost and house light along the way. I pointed it out to my boyfriend and we watched it as we got closer and closer. Slowly, we realized it was moving and at one point thought it was a plane moving away from us, which would make it appear to be moving very slowly. Upon getting even closer, we were now realizing that it was moving little bits at a time and then stopping in mid-air. We were close enough to see that it was round and had at least 20 lights, all orange and one white one. However, we weren't close enough to see the top or anything like that. I slowed to almost nothing as I drove and at one point even stopped for about 10 seconds to watch it, until a car came up behind me and I was forced to keep driving. I wanted to take off on a side road and follow it, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me. He was now freaked out enough to not want to mess with it. He continued to watch it as we passed and it was now behind us and he was able to see it for another couple of miles and it still wasn't moving anymore. I'm freaked out, sorry. I have always said there has to be other intelligent life and a few times thought I'd seen something weird, but this was my closest encounter. I would say we were maybe 500 ft away, if not less. Definitely close enough to tell that it was NOT a plane, and in that kind of weather, it wouldn't have been a helicopter either. First of all, too many lights for either, secondly the color of the lights don't match anything that we would have in our airspace, thirdly...it was only about 100 ft off the ground if even that (just barely cresting the tree line). I wish we had proof, but it was too dark for my boyfriends camera phone to take a picture. Just thought it was something to write about, because I can't stop thinking about it. Since we couldn't take a picture, I tried searching to see if anyone else had reported seeing something similar, since I'd never heard of the orange lights in ufo sightings before. I did find a picture, although not at the same angle as what we saw but the description that follows is the same as what we saw. "1967-Pigeon Lake, Alberta, Canada. In the evening of July 3, 1967, Mr. Douglas Dennis, fishing at Pigeon Lake, near Buckhorn, was amazed by the appearance of a soft, orange colored ball of light in the sky above him. It descended quite low, and Mr. Dennis took his camera and snapped a color picture of the brightly luminous mass hovering in the air. This remarkable night photograph clearly shows a round luminous object directly overhead. Others present observed the object and Mr Dennis photographing it."

Being Involved

As a kid growing up in a small school, I remember going on field trips and always seeing the same mother's showing up as chaperones. My parents both worked full time and never had the opportunity to go to these, and many times not even able to attend our sport events in other towns, even if they were in the evening. My parents probably did more preparation and working around schedules, just to make sure we could still participate but still had a ride there or home, whichever the situation required. So even though they weren't there, they still did everything they could to make sure my brother and I were well rounded kids, involved in alot of extra curricular things. My brother focused mostly on basketball, baseball, and soccer. Two of which he dropped by the ninth grade, and only continued with soccer through high school. This, I realize now, was probably the worst of the three to choose, since it was not school funded or represented, but was a private league he'd been involved with since he was 5. Still, they made sure he was at every game, especially since he was the star player. I, on the other hand was involved in many more things and continued almost all of them through my entire school career. Volleyball, softball, soccer, track, cross country, choir, band, drama club, FHA, FBLA, FHA, SADD and a couple of other temporary clubs that didn't last long due to lack of interest. So yes, I was a very busy girl. At times, I even missed out on being in the group photos for the year book, since I was already gone on the bus on the way to a game or competition for another group. You would think I'd be a popular girl, but I wasn't. In fact in our very small school, (my graduating class was 45 ppl) the more you were good at, the worse off you were. It was best in my school to be good at ONE thing to shine at, why I don't know. Even the cheerleaders weren't popular, in fact they were kind of the leftovers of the girls that weren't quite sporty enough to be on the regular teams. I still enjoyed myself, however and found in my freshman year being the first and only freshman to be playing on varsity teams, a big accomplishment, but jealousy I guess outweighs appreciation and recognition. My point is that I always wanted my mom or dad to be able to come and enjoy these events, since they had worked so hard to make sure I got to participate. I always said back then, that if at all possible I would do what I could to try and be involved in my children's school activities. Now, I find that possibility happening. My oldest daughter, Katy, is in kindergarten and has a few class trips coming up, as well as class parties, and my youngest, Sydney is in pre-school right across the hall from her sister. I know it may not always continue in this way, but for now, I have the opportunity to be a classroom mom, and I am looking forward, and may even be MORE excited about their activities than they are! I can't wait to be there and see the joy on their faces, and meet their friends, and see just what their day is like at school. Sometimes as adults, we get so caught up in our everyday life of trying to survive and make sure the bills are paid, that we forget our children have lives too. They have routines, rules and responsibilities every day just like we do. I want to never forget this, and always let them know that I care what happens in their day and let them know if they ever need me or need advice or help, that I am here for them. If you are reading this and you have kids, put yourself in their shoes as a 5 year old going to school everyday, and imagine doing what they do. Putting their coats in cubby's, lining up for lunch, following directions to learn how to read, having a snack and sitting by their best friend. Imagine what they might be talking about at recess and how they might be acting. Do they have a clique? Do they talk to everyone and treat them all equally? Maybe your kid is bossy at home, and at school, away from you that turns into being a bully. Just take a few moments once in a while and try out some empathy.

Another Time, Another Place

I remember a few times the question coming up in different types of situations, and I never really had a good answer until tonite. I found myself watching a show called "Who was Jesus" on the Discovery Channel, and caught myself saying in my head, "If I could live in any other time, it would be then." Then I REALLY started thinking about it and what it would've been like, and the questions I could have answered. The only catch is that if I did have a chance to live in another time period, I would want to keep the knowledge I have now, from our time. If I went back and lived then without that knowledge, I would be no different from anyone else, and wouldn't have any questions to ask or mysteries to solve. One option they are giving in this show is actually just what I have always suspected; that Jesus was a great man, yes, but a MAN nonetheless. In a time without medicine or science, people clung to whatever they could, including "miracle workers" to give them hope. Jesus was not the only miracle worker of the time, just the most popular. I'm not saying that I don't believe those miracles happened, because I see and hear things everyday that just make you stop and go..huh that's crazy. I've just always questioned his "divinity". I know most people reading this are probably going to get upset, and I understand that, but I don't get upset at the fact that you believe, so I ask that you don't get upset at me for not. It doesn't make me a bad person, and I understand that people need something to give them hope, but I'm more of a scientific person who would rather see the facts and understand COMPLETELY without a doubt where something came from and how it came to be. I guess I'm and evolutionist because it just makes sense, there's no loopholes or missing pieces (or at least alot fewer). I would love to be IN that time and see it for myself, maybe discover things that I know would go missing years later, but supposedly exist, such as the Ark of the Covenant, Moses' boat, you get my drift. Anyway, that's my answer...if I could live in another time, it would be in the days of Jesus. How about you?

Neighbor Kids

This year, my daughter started kindergarten and she's making new friends, which I of course expected and was excited for her to do. The weird thing however, is that she never asks for any of these kids to come over, or stay the night. I know that she's a little above her 5 years, so I always assume it's just that most 5 year olds aren't quite ready yet to do an overnight with a family they don't know. Recently we have some new neighbors that moved in down the street. They have 3 boys that are a little older, and started out coming over on nice days playing outside. Gradually this outside play moved inside on cold days too, and now I find them knocking on my door to come in and play the Wii about every other day or so. I don't mind at all, they seem to be good boys, and in fact I've even had them out picking up my yard before, which I found hilarious. It's like their my little men of the house, and they're always willing to help and do the "guy" stuff. It's funny, because both times I was pregnant, I was scared to death to have a boy, I prayed for girl's and I got them. Now, I find myself wishing I had a little mama's boy running around. Who knows, maybe I got one more in me, somewhere down the road, but I want to finish school first and get that out of the way. I know I'm getting to that point where I'm honestly getting a little old to be thinking about starting over with another baby, but hey, America's contemporary business women do it all the time, right? Maybe I'll get lucky and have a boy, after all, I'm pretty tom-boyish myself, so it's not like I wouldn't know how to raise a boy, I don't know why I was so scared before. Maybe because I'd had such bad experiences with men that I didn't wanna bring another into the world. Meeting Sonny, my boyfriend, I see that there are good men out there, and I would be proud to raise one just like him. So I guess these neighbor kids that at first were a nuisance, are now inspiring to me and I thank them for that. After all, boys will be boys.

Steamrolled

So as we all know the old saying goes, you hurt the ones you love the most. I never really understood this myself, and continually strive to NOT do this. However, I do see it happening all around me and to me almost constantly. I have a family member who supposedly has a bi-polar condition and it seems like I don't really know whether to believe it or not. When she has an episode it's hard for me to fathom that it's the condition that makes her do it, and I can't understand how she can't control it. The things she does not only hurt her family and kids, but she also tends to hurt herself and has attempted suicide on many occasions, even with her children in the house. Now, as a sister, I completely disagree with the way she treats my brother, and seemingly takes advantage of the fact that she can pretty much go crazy for a day, do what she wants and then apologize and blame it on the disease. He keeps taking her back and I understand that he's in love and has had almost a decade with this woman, so of course he wants to try to make it work for their kids sake. To me, I think this is more harmful for their kids than good. I'm to the point with him that I've realized he's a big boy and can decide how much of it he can personally take, so all I can do is just be here for him when he needs me. The other side of me; the mother, is furious. I don't understand how a mother of 3 beautiful kids can be so selfish to say she's unhappy, wants to go out and do what she wants and do crazy things that they are witnessing. There are alot of things I would like to do, but I realize that my children come first, no matter how unhappy I am I do what I have to until I can find a solution. If she's unhappy, then she needs to fix that, and if she's not happy with him, then she needs to leave and not keep taking advantage of the fact that he is trying to do the right thing. I've always said I understand a medical condition, and I still do, but there's no magic pill in the whole world that is going to make someone ok, if they don't also have the desire to get better to work with that pill. I think she lacks this desire and in a weird sort of way, enjoys misery. I found myself in the middle of a situation this weekend, and trying not to lose my cool with her, even after being shoved down to the ground, and I still walked away. I think it upset me even more, knowing that I had no intention of a confrontation with her, and was only trying to help, but she still could not recognize that and decided to get physical. When I didn't respond back it made me realize something about myself I hadn't realized before. I've finally grown up. I have moved past that point when I would have started swinging just a couple of years ago, and I found myself instead thinking about my kids and where they would be if I fought back and got in trouble, or seriously hurt. I was proud of myself, and also a little embarrassed in a way. I'm not used to letting someone look stronger than me, especially in public, but anyone who knows me, also knows that my actions were the stronger ones. In short, I guess all I can do, despite the pain she has caused me, is to be there for my brother and show him that even with "love is blind" actions he does, he will always have family.

Soul Expression

I love what music does for me. It is THE most beautiful form of expression that exists. Anyone in the world can appreciate music in some way shape or form and relate to it. It may be a different type for each and every person, or some people may like many genres, like I do. There are really only a couple of types I don't care for, and now and then I even find myself listening to it, depending on my mood. The thing I like about music is you can choose a song that relates to how you're feeling at the moment, whether it's happy, sad, in love, excited, hyper, mad, or just relaxed. Then again, it can do the complete opposite and change my mood. If I'm feeling down, and need a pick-me-up I can pick something happy with a quicker beat to cheer me up. I can't think of a reason I would be happy and feel like listening to something sad, but if I wanted to, I could. Many times at night I find my mind racing and it's nice to put on something relaxing like New Age. I love to sing, and had some experience in my younger years, but never really had the guts to fight my stage fright. I was in a couple of musicals in high school, and competed in small groups for regional competitions, however I found myself failing at solo's. I even sang the National Anthem once at my home town tractor pull and was so nervous I forgot the words! Now, I wish I had faced that fear and had someone to support the one thing I loved a little more. One of my favorite pass-time's is karaoke and it seems to be a release for me. I can sing songs that say what I'm thinking or feeling that I couldn't quite put into words myself. I'm sure everyone feels somewhat connected to music in some way, but for me, I feel like it's in my soul, kind of like writing.

Boring Writing

Ok, so I know not all of my blogs or writings are exactly the most interesting thing in the world for other people to read, but I absolutely hate being assigned something to write about that I have no interest in whatsoever. We have an assignment due in this class that is supposed to be a group effort. First of all, that poses a problem since one girl in our group is never in class, or if she is, she leaves early saying,"Tell me if you guys need anything from me. Just message me on myspace." At least the teacher is smart enough to not give the entire group credit if the whole group isn't helping. This assignment is supposed to be an evaluation and comparison of 3 different websites about Libby, MT. This is the most boring thing in the world to me, to have to talk about a website's credibility and whethere it is helpful or not. I guess I just consider it common sense to be able to look at a site and tell whether it's biased or truthful without having to do a bunch of research on it. I am considering only getting the points for being in class and doing the evaluation and losing points for not doing the essay at all. Luckily, I do have a good friend in the group, and he's going to help out. Since he's better at the writing, he's going to do that portion of it, and I will do the proofreading part. What will the other girl do? Probably nothing. She came in today not even knowing what was going on and this is the third day we've worked on it. Thank God for good friends that have higher talents. I guess that's the good part about it being a "group effort". Oh well, I'm sure we'll be able to bull&*$% our way through it.

Getting Fat

During casual conversation with a friend, I mentioned that I was unhappy with the weight I am currently at. He suggested that I write about it, so I am. Don't get me wrong, I don't by any means fall into the "overweight" category for my weight and height. I know that I still look ok and shouldn't complain. The problem I have with gaining weight is that I can feel myself being lazier, more tired and my brain doesn't seem to function quite right. I am still happy with me and my size, I'm not one of those girls that focus' on just being "skinny", that's not my goal. My goal is to stay healthy and fit, I have always been an active, athletic woman and have a certain amount of pride in keeping myself that way after having children. It's not like I've put on 50 pounds or anything like that, we're only talking 10 or 15, but I can still feel the difference, and I'm just starting to feel uncomfortable all around. My jeans are a little tighter, I get hot much easier, and I don't like the feeling of my stomach hanging over when I sit. I understand that there are many people out there who have medical conditions preventing them from staying at a healthy weight, and for those people, I try to empathize. On the other end of the spectrum, the other percentage of us, especially Americans, have just gotten lazy about staying healthy. Then there are those who go overboard and end up praying to the porcelain god after every meal. My point to him was that I was simply trying to say I am lucky enough to be a mostly healthy person in control of my life and my body, and I refuse to let it get out of control. If I'm not comfortable and don't feel healthy, then I'm going to change it. I'm not neurotic about it, and I don't ever expect myself to be a size 0. I'm happy when I'm at an 8 and try for the most part to stay there with exercise and right sized portions. I don't starve myself, or throw up or take pills to make me skinnier. I just put my mind to it, tell myself I will lose weight and control those things. You'd would be surprised at the power of mind and body and what they can do when you believe it. Doesn't really take much work at all. Growing up, there was a family that lived not far from us that had 3 boys. They were my brother and I's only neighbor's and we played with them all the time. Their mother was slightly overweight, could probably have stood to lose 40 pounds or so. Suddenly when we were about 13, their mother and father divorced. Their mother's best friend also divorced her husband about the same time, and lo and behold, we suddenly have a gay couple. Our friends now had two mom's. In a small town, that's no small occasion. You would think the ridicule and laughter would drive them out, but instead it made them stronger, and happier. Their mother lost the weight, very quickly and the next time I saw her, I noticed. We hadn't been allowed to visit for a few months, because of the ordeal, so the weight loss came as a shock. I asked her how she did it and she simply replied,"I got happy."

Ecstasy

So, sitting at home today, I found myself watching a show on the History channel about hippies. Knowing alot of free love individuals myself, I was curious to really get more information. In the second hour of the show, it begins focusing on drug use and hallucinogens. One of the main topics was on the drug ecstasy. I know that this is a popular drug nowadays that I hear alot about and have noticed the rise in use in the last few years. Even among people you would never expect. From the rich soccer mom down the street, to the 8th grader in the same school as your kid, it seems like almost everyone at least knows what it is, or has tried it at some point. However, what I found myself interested in with this program was the history of where it came from. It was originally patented by a company in Germany as a dietary supplement to help lose weight, but after the patent, it was never produced. Somewhere along the line, the formula got out, and it was experimented with by the US Government on animals as a possible truth serum for chemical warfare. The drug was originally legal, and was used quietly, but fairly widespread in therapy sessions that were 5 hours long called Adam sessions. Psychotherapists were finding that one of these sessions was accomplishing as much as a whole year of therapy without it. Mostly used in couples counseling and family sessions, the effect of it gave people a feeling of closeness and trust in each other that is generally very hard to achieve and takes much longer periods of time. The way it works is that it releases loads and loads of seratonin into the brain, which is of course the chemical that gives us that happy feeling, and the cause of depression when there is a lack of it. There are of course side effects, but it seems to me these side effects can be handled in a short amount of time with only about a day of recovery, which really just includes rest and sleep. If handled properly while actually on the drug, it can be very safe as well. I'm sure you've heard of people overdosing and dying by overheating while taking ecstasy? Well, those are the people who began to abuse it and were not safe. You must apparently keep yourself very hydrated and fairly calm, because the rush of seratonin in the brain can raise your body temperature, so if you're dancing around like a lunatic, and not drinking anything, then of course, you're going to overheat. In controlled settings, there were no such side effects at all. Only a lack of seratonin the next day after the drug wears off, leaving a feeling of sadness for a few hours, which is quickly recovered with sleep and rest. The drug was even SO legal, it was marketed in bars where you could buy it over the counter in a paper cup. However, this was apparently the downfall of it, as most street drugs, it was abused, so the positive effects were overlooked. The public got scared and of course the government took over. The hearing that was held presented both sides of the case, and the judge actually ruled that it stay legal, but he was overruled by the DEA. My point is that I was shocked to find out how many illegal drugs were once legal, useful, and started out with our government experimenting with them. So, can we really blame the drug problem in our country all on ourselves and the people out there who use them? Or should we blame the originator? I'm beginning to think twice. As one man said during the program, ANY drug has the potential to kill you. The difference in harmful or helpful is the amount you take and which strain you are taking. Squeeze a couple bottles of aspirins down into one pill and take it, it will kill you. Yet one aspirin can cure a headache. Further yet, the illegalization of all these drugs has not stopped drug use, just made it more of a high to get it. Secondly, since they are not being manufactured according to original patents, they are becoming more dangerous as people find ways to make them at home with synthetic materials, making them even more poisonous. I'm not saying that I agree taking drugs is ok, I'm merely putting a little truth out there that maybe more people should know. ALL drugs are a poison, but I do agree that people should have a choice whether to poison themselves or not. Our jails are filled with people on first time, non-violent drug offenses, and there's no room for rapists and child molesters. Maybe we should cut the consequences down a bit for those who didn't harm anyone. Then some of course would argue that by allowing those people, some of them distributors, back out on the street, someone down the line of that dealer's customers will eventually hurt someone. So it's kind of a lose-lose situation. Just some food for thought, that's all.

Business Matters

One of the most aggravating things to me is a person who owns a business and doesn't seem to know how to run it. Maybe this is why I have always been bad at dealing with authority and had so many jobs, thus deciding to open my own business someday and my reason for going to school. My boyfriend is a diesel mechanic and works very hard every day. Often times he comes home saying he got his ass chewed or that someone else did for some silly reason. He never really went into much detail telling me about this until recently. They hired a new mechanic, (making a total of 3), and started changing the schedule around to suit this. Obviously this is probably necessary, and was starting to work out for the better, or was at least tolerable. Over the course of the last week rules keep changing and everyone has been on edge. One of these new rules is that if one step is forgotten on a truck, let's just say changing a light bulb for instance, you lose a WEEK of vacation. If this happens in two seperate instances you lose TWO weeks vacation, which is all of it for the entire year. Seems a little ridiculous huh? I can understand some kind of punishment for such things, but that's extreme if you ask me, considering he has been at this establishment for 2 1/2 years and only missed one day total for his Grandfather's funeral. I'm not talking one EXCUSED day, I'm talking ONE DAY....period. Never late, and never took these two weeks of vacation in any year. Now, if you ask me this should be rewarded. On top of all this are these "ass chewings" which as I have found out are pretty crude, obscene and definitely not work place appropriate. Cutting people down, calling names, and lots of cussing. Throw in the most normally not getting any breaks or lunches and it just tops the cake. First of all, I know that most of this is entirely illegal. Secondly, I want to walk into that shop myself and let this owner know just what a moron he is. I mean really, you expect 3 mechanics to run hard all day long and get things done in a timely manner, but you're not going to give them a break, lunch, or vacation and on top of that make them worry about losing their vacation and scream at them every day? Not a smart man by outside appearances. This has of course caught up with him, and one of the other mechanics walked out a couple of days ago. This other person happened to be my boyfriend's brother. This was on Friday, and Sonny was scheduled to have the weekend off. Technically without Mark there, Sonny would have had to go in on Saturday to make up for it, but the boss said,"Take some time away, you need it." Gee, thanks boss for letting me keep the day off I'm supposed to have anyway. It's not like he gave him an EXTRA day off. Then today, Monday Sonny calls me and says they're going back to the old schedule and he won't have tomorrow off after all, like the new schedule had planned. I'm just about fed up with dealing with all these changes myself and I don't know how he deals with it. I absolutely cannot stand stupidity and disorganization, especially in the workplace. I can't wait to open my own business and try to do everything different than any boss has ever done for me or other people I know.

Lonely

Well, my kids spent and extra day and night with their dad this weekend, due to spring break. After having spent a few extra 24 hour days with them myself, I was loving it to the fullest, but also looking forward to a bit of a break to have some "me" time. Now, I get them back in an hour, and I have missed them soooo much! I can't wait to see them, and I have even gotten all of my housework and homework done so that I can concentrate only on them. It may sound simple but I have movie night plans to just sit and relax, cuddle, enjoy some popcorn maybe, and watch Madagascar 2. I didn't realize until I woke up this morning, early as usual, even without them here to wake me up, how much I missed them. I guess alone time is good, but when you get used to certain people being around all the time, it seems very lonely when they're gone. Even though I have been surrounded by other people all weekend long and was not totally alone, I still felt lonely. I watched my brother's kids begging him for a drink or snack, or tattle telling on each other, and noticed I didn't have anyone doing that to me, and I missed it horribly. In fact, I even started helping him out with them as a good Aunt should anyway, to take some load off of him and his wife, and fulfill a little part of me that was cryng inside. Children are such a blessing and I don't know what I would do without them.

Recession or Game Night?

I don't pay much attention to politics or the economy really, except for what directly affects me. I know that in the long run it all affects me in some way or another, but I just try to concentrate on keeping my family going so the only things I really notice are gas prices and food prices. If I had stocks and savings and 401K and lots of investments, I know it would affect me more, but for now, it doesn't. I watched a show the other day about the economy and frankly, it's all Chinese to me, I don't understand a bit of it. My life seems to be the best it's ever been at the moment, even when money is short, because it seems money is always short, no matter how much you're making. The one thing I did hear that made sense to me, and that has even applied to my family was sales. They said one of the only things that has risen in gross sales lately is home entertainment. Renting movies, buying home game systems, things like that. When you consider the price you pay to get started for instance, in a gaming console like Wii or XBox, it's a little pricey. In the long run however, do the math at how many hours of entertainment you get out of that and it's a very cheap "per hour" rate. Now think about what you spend to go to the movie theater for two hours and it's much more expensive. For the first time in my life, I recently bought my own Wii, in order to spend more time with my kids, and stay at home more. There are alot of educational games to play, and a great learning tool, that's fun and keeps you fit too. What better entertainment can you ask for? Plus, many of these consoles double or triple as other investments too. They can act as a dvd player, music player, or computer; so you're really not only getting a game system, but many other things as well. So put all that together, and it doesn't sound so shabby, or lazy, or expensive at all. If you ask me the one good thing out of this recession is that many family's are being forced to spend more time at home together getting some quality time, and probably don't even realize what a blessing that is. They're just thinking that they hate the government and worried about what the country as a whole is going to do. I prefer to think about what my family is going to do together the next day, and focus on the happy things. After all, everything happens for a reason, and maybe one reason is that someone has a higher plan for Americans to go back to their roots and remember how much love there still is in the world. Love can be one of the greatest powers there is, and together, we can achieve anything. After all, pioneers survived without TV, cars, phones, computers, grocery stores, gas stations, blah blah blah...you get what I mean.