The Best Man Ever

Ok, if you know anything about me, you know that I've not exactly had a normal life when it comes to relationships. I'm 29 years old, I have two kids, and I have been married 3 times. Yes, 3. Growing up, my dad and I had a strained relationship, and I felt the need to get out of the house early, at around 17. Our constant fighting was just too much strain on the rest of the family, and I didn't want to be the cause of that. So, I left. We get along much better not living under the same roof, and I love him more than anything, but we of course still have our differences and grudges from over the years. I think my problem with love and men has stemmed from this. At 17 after I moved out I met a man 12 years my senior. Feeling lost and alone, he of course took care of me and made me feel safe, he was the first person I ever thought I was in love with. At 19 we got married, even though knowing in my head he wouldn't be there the rest of my life. I guess you could say I really thought I had no other choice at the time. He ended up being very controlling and pretty much tried to be my father. At 21 I realized I could fend for myself and divorced him. Right after that, not used to being alone, I met a man only 2 years older than me and was not controlling at all. In fact, he let me do everything, so the tables had turned. I felt comfortable with this, as I had told myself I would never let anyone treat me the way my first husband had again. We were young, and partied ALOT. A year and half later, we got married, and after returning from our honeymoon I found out I was pregnant. So I of course had to sober up and stop partying, but he didn't. He was not a good provider at all, and it was still left up to me, even being pregnant, to provide for us. He was given many opportunities to make money, but never took advantage of them. So, when our daughter was 11 months old, we divorced. So now I'm telling myself I need someone a little older, makes good money, and will not be controlling. I'm feeling like a failure at love and listening to all of this advice my family is giving me in what they think I need also. So I met my third husband who made very good money working for the railroad. He was very responsible, kind, loving, and mature. However, I was not attracted to him at all. In fact he asked 3 times for a date before I accepted. I told myself, hey, looks aren't everything. He was usually gone 5 days a week on the road, only home on weekends, so it was very convenient. I kind of felt numb at this stage in my life and just felt like I was just doing what I had to do to survive. I ended up pregnant very early, 6 months into it, and we married at 10 months into it. Of course it didn't work, and we divorced when my second daughter was a little over 2. So I have spent the last year and a half thinking about who I am, what I want and what I need from a realationship, and I have finally found it. This time I am sure, and have no doubts whatsoever about Sonny. He is responsible, kind, loving, attentive, handsome, caring, and selfless. He's not only a good man to me, but he's a good man to everyone around him, and that's what I love most. It's a two way street with us, and things are equal, yet I know that if it came down to it, he would always do anything for our family that needed to be done. We are taking things slower than I have in the past, and I'm ok with that. I don't feel the need to rush like I did before, because I know he will always be there. He makes me feel like I am the only girl in the world, and I know he loves my children like they were his own. The funny thing is, he's 5 years younger than me, but sometimes I forget that, because he doesn't act it or show it at all. He is amazing, and I love this feeling of contentment, and knowing I have my soulmate.

Twilight

I have always been a big fan of vampires, why I don't know. I have read most of Anne Rice's books, and seen a lot of movies. Many of which I think dont do vampires any justice. They get overly silly with it and only show the mean side of things, when in the true history of a vampire they have a very passionate drive about them. Filled with more love sometimes than you would think, or even be able to fathom, because when they think of love, they know it's for eternity, not just a lifetime. I know, I'm talking like they are real, and trust me I know they do not exist, at least not in the way we know them. There may be people out there drinking blood for the joy of it, but in truth they are of course not immortal and can be killed just like any of the rest of us. However, if we are going to have a mystical creature with so many details, why not portray them correctly? I watched this new movie Twilight last night, that so many people are raving about. I was sketchy of course, because for me, I would much rather read a book, as the movies usually end up cheesy. I did end up liking it though, I wouldn't die to watch it again, like so many people are doing, but I did like the take they did on it. It was really different in the fact that they pretty much made them vegetarians so to speak, much like Louis in Interview with the Vampire, but that they were also willing to accept a human into their family and hold back their natural instincts. The boy fell deeply in love with her and is forced to restrain himself on many counts as a normal relationship would go. Very little kissing, touching, and of course, no sex at all. These things would only make his vampire side too much to resist. So the fact remains, that he still loved her, even with all those physical things held to a minimum, or not at all. That's how true love should be. I know that intimacy is just a natural part of human emotion and it's one way we express our love. But it can also be an animal side of human's that have nothing at all to do with love, but instead it is used for power, money, control, or just to satisfy one person's need. I did like the movie, and I'm guessing there will be a second, judging by the way it ended. I look forward to it because I can see that this story would be one where it would have to be told in many parts, you can't get it all into one movie. I like stories like that, and is probably one reason I read alot of books that are in triologies, or more even. Take a couple hours and watch it, vampire lover or not.

What to Say?

For once, I am having a hard time finding things to write about. I normally have something running through my head constantly and that's usually because my life is so busy and hectic. That usually involves some drama of some kind as well. I feel like at this point in my life everything is perfect, and I finally have everything I have wanted, or that I am at least on my way to it. The only things going through my head is how happy I am and I've already written about that. It's a nice feeling, to have this inner peace, but the fact that I'm writing about not having something new to write about is ironic. All in all it's good, though. This week has been amazing, having so much time to spend with my kids, time that I have felt I took away from them lately by being in school. It's funny how the simplest things can give you the greatest feeling of accomplishment. For instance, in the picture below, in the previous blog, my daughter was the only one on our fishing trip to catch a fish. Tiny as it was, not big enough to eat, she caught it all by herself! She felt like that fish was the biggest one in the whole river. It's kind of the same for me this week, spending just the smallest incriments of time with them that I haven't had before, those moments seem like days. From fishing, to the park, to the library, eating pizza, watching a whole movie together & munching on popcorn, helping clean their room, or watching them draw a picture, this has been the best week ever & given me a huge sense of accomplishment. So I guess for having nothing to write about, this entry didn't turn out too shabby, yet another accomplishment:)

The Devil's Triangle

Over my years of living there are a few timeless classic stories that I have fallen in love with. One of my favorites has been the Bermuda Triangle. I think the mystery of this is what entrigues me and keeps me thinking about it occasionally. I find myself watching any program I happen to come across that has to do with it, hoping that they have finally found some concrete answer or explanation to it's existance and what is happening there. As of yet, this is not the case. The fact that we have so much technology and science in our world and are still unable to solve this case keeps me wondering. Part of me says there has to be a reason and some kind of "show me" explanation, but if that were the case, wouldn't they have figured it out by now? I personally am beginning to think it's a little of both science and supernatural that are at work there. Stories of time travel and going into another dimension have occurred as well as plane or boat instruments going haywire, as if the magnetic polarity is at play, which would be the scientific explanation. In an area like this, it would be easy to see how pilots and captains would get confused and just simply lose their bearings. There's also a possibility of rogue waves, which are 5 times the size of a regular wave and can take out a boat in an instant, even reaching so high as to rip a plane from the sky. These waves then suddenly disappear in an instant, leaving no trace behind. For me, there have just been too many unexplained disappearances to completely say that there's just a fact out there somewhere that tells us why. There has to be a little bit of supernatual forces at work as well. The combination of both would definitely be deadly. Even the lucky ones who make it out alive, are still not completely sure of themselves and have a hard time telling their story plainly. So if this is an area of our earth that has some sinister intent, why is it there, and who created it? A part of me hopes it is never solved, because that's part of it's beauty is that there's something out there we, as almighty humans do not understand. We should just respect it's power and steer clear if you ask me. Even Christopher Columbus mentioned this area in his notes, so it's an age old story that people did not realize until a group of 5 planes disappeared an made it more profound and known. Maybe there is a king of the ocean and he is creating a huge whirlpool to drown boats in revenge for us taking over his sea. Who knows, but I still love the story, tragic as it is, and it keeps me interested.

Spring Break

Wow, never thought I would have a college spring break! When I thought about it as akid, college just didn't seem for me, even though I was good at school. I always just wanted to be a mother and have a family. Well, now I have both! I planned on getting alot of housework and catching up done this week, and so far, it's half over and I haven't touched a thing. I have found myself instead, spending lots of time with my family, and my brother and his wife and children. Just hanging out, playing board games or video games. Kids running outside and exploring the big bad world out on the farm, and this afternoon we are packing up a lunch and going fishing! I can't wait, it's going to be a perfect day just to be outside again and enjoy the weather. I myself am not much of a fisherman, but my oldest daughter loves it. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to spend so much time with her this week, as I normally don't have alot of time to do extra things with her. When she's not in school, she's at either her dad's or her ex-step dad's house. I know, a little confusing huh? I'll get into that situation I'm sure in the future one of these days when I get frustrated with it. Anyway, I hope everyone this week is finding something to enjoy themselves. Just taking a little time out now and then is the most refreshing thing ever. I may not be in some warm exotic location partying like crazy and forgetting the whole week, but for me, this is the best spring break ever. Right here at home:)

Sunday Dinner

So, as I said before, I'm having a little trouble connecting with my boyfriend's family. I don't know what to do about it, and I don't like it at all. I normally don't have a problem getting to know people at all, and they usually cling to me pretty quickly. I'm not a hard person to get to know, and I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve. If anything, I probably tell too much about myself too quickly. So this situation makes me wonder if I've done something wrong. We just finished the routine Sunday lunch and visit as we do every week, and it only seems to have gotten worse. For example: my boyfriend's best friend Scott went with us today, and there was a new family member there I hadn't met before. When this family member walked in, my boyfriend's mother introduced Scott to him, and completely said nothing at all about me and my daughter, who were sitting right next to him. I felt invisible. If she doesn't like me that's fine, but in my home, introductions are just a routine courtesy and part of manners. Later, I saw my daughter go to the back door with his mom, and then she came back in, so I assumed that this woman who is a mother of 3 was keeping an eye on her, or that Sydney had come back inside with her. As I found out a few minutes later, she had been outside the whole time. His mom never told me she went out, and there were 4 other people out there, who could have told me. Nobody did. I went out to find her inside my car in 70 degree weather with all the doors locked. I understand there's a certain responsibility on my part here too, but common sense says that adults should notice a child alone, even if it's not their own. Third example: I met Sonny through his cousin, who I actually dated for a couple weeks at one time. His cousin's mother also showed up, and I had only met her once before very briefly. She sat and talked to me more than anyone had in the entirety of ALL the time I have spent there. I even gave her a hug as I left for the day, and bid everyone goodbye, only to be met with no response. I just don't know what to do. He says they like me, but it sure doesn't seem like it and I don't want to seem like a whiner. He also tells me that it's just how they are and not to take it personally. I guess as long as I have him that's all that matters, but I would prefer to be able to connect with them as well.

Riding

Recently, I have reunited with a friend of mine from a very long time ago. We actually dated for a brief moment when I was 16, and I was privelged to be a sophomore going to a Jr/Sr prom as his date. I don't remember exactly why we broke up, just one of those high school things I guess. Anyway, we have both moved on of course, and have enjoyed talking and catching up lately. There are only plutonic feelings involved, of course, it's just nice to have someone around from my past that's a good memory I suppose. Growing up I always had horses, I lived and breathed them, and my extended family did too. During adulthood, I have come across alot of people in my life that don't enjoy riding the way I do, or they are completely scared of them. Even when my dad sold our horses, I still had neighbors and this past-boyfriend I could go riding with. Sitting on top of a beast so large and to have control over that, and trust in the animal not to hurt you is kind of a big deal to me. Having the ability to go to places you may not have accessed before is amazing. You get to see parts of this world on trailrides that you may never have known existed. I'm realizing now how much I miss it, and would love to get back to it. My friend still has horses and recently bought a new one he wants me to ride and help break. The thought just exhilarates me, but the situation with my better half makes it a little uncomfortable for him when the ex and I hang out. So out of respect for him, I have not done so, and we only talk on the phone and txt. Maybe someday he'll understand and give a little to allow me to enjoy his company, and maybe even meet him. I really think they would make great friends, and for me, someone I dated 15 years ago shouldn't be a problem, but I guess guys are different. Oh well, maybe I'll just get a horse of my own soon:)