Wanted

I think feeling needed and wanted is something we all need in life at some point. I have plenty of people making me feel needed, so that's not a problem at all. It's the wanted part that's getting me. It's also the hardest one to deal with, seeing as how someone WANTING you is not a necessity such as NEEDED. My kids make me feel needed of course everyday, I mean what would they do without me? Yeah there would always be an adult somewhere to take care of them, but it's not the same as having your mother. There again though, even they don't make me feel very wanted. I know I'm not as much fun, or funny to be around as some other people in their lives, and I also know that the mother's and father's role typically fall into category that way. The mother takes care of the necessities to survive, and the father does all the playing and imaginitive portions, which is why it makes it so hard to be a single parent, since you're trying to take on both roles. My boyfriend definitely makes me feel needed, I cook for him every night, a hot meal after his long hard day at work, and he deserves it, but there are some other issues that make me think, would he only miss my cooking if I were gone? I know I'm overreacting and everything is fine, and I know everyone wants me in their lives, I'm just not feeling it much lately and needed to vent that, so I feel better now I guess and I'll go back to taking care of everyone just like I always do, cuz that's the way I roll:)

I Think I Saw a UFO!!!!!!!

No joke. Tonight we had alot of bad storms and the town I live in was right on the path. Seeing as how I live in a crappy little trailer and no storm shelter, my boyfriend and I picked up in about 30 seconds flat and drove with my kids to my mother's about 5 miles away since she has an underground tornado shelter. It was hard enough getting there, since the rain and hail was so bad, but it lightened up, the farther away we got. After about 45 mins of hanging out at her house, waiting out the storm we decided it was safe to go home. My kids stayed at my brother's since he lives right next door, just in case there's anymore weather tonight. So on our way back we get about a mile from her house and I notice far away on the dark skyline a light that I had never seen before and it didn't seem to be moving. I've driven those roads twice a day for ten years now, and I know every lamppost and house light along the way. I pointed it out to my boyfriend and we watched it as we got closer and closer. Slowly, we realized it was moving and at one point thought it was a plane moving away from us, which would make it appear to be moving very slowly. Upon getting even closer, we were now realizing that it was moving little bits at a time and then stopping in mid-air. We were close enough to see that it was round and had at least 20 lights, all orange and one white one. However, we weren't close enough to see the top or anything like that. I slowed to almost nothing as I drove and at one point even stopped for about 10 seconds to watch it, until a car came up behind me and I was forced to keep driving. I wanted to take off on a side road and follow it, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me. He was now freaked out enough to not want to mess with it. He continued to watch it as we passed and it was now behind us and he was able to see it for another couple of miles and it still wasn't moving anymore. I'm freaked out, sorry. I have always said there has to be other intelligent life and a few times thought I'd seen something weird, but this was my closest encounter. I would say we were maybe 500 ft away, if not less. Definitely close enough to tell that it was NOT a plane, and in that kind of weather, it wouldn't have been a helicopter either. First of all, too many lights for either, secondly the color of the lights don't match anything that we would have in our airspace, thirdly...it was only about 100 ft off the ground if even that (just barely cresting the tree line). I wish we had proof, but it was too dark for my boyfriends camera phone to take a picture. Just thought it was something to write about, because I can't stop thinking about it. Since we couldn't take a picture, I tried searching to see if anyone else had reported seeing something similar, since I'd never heard of the orange lights in ufo sightings before. I did find a picture, although not at the same angle as what we saw but the description that follows is the same as what we saw. "1967-Pigeon Lake, Alberta, Canada. In the evening of July 3, 1967, Mr. Douglas Dennis, fishing at Pigeon Lake, near Buckhorn, was amazed by the appearance of a soft, orange colored ball of light in the sky above him. It descended quite low, and Mr. Dennis took his camera and snapped a color picture of the brightly luminous mass hovering in the air. This remarkable night photograph clearly shows a round luminous object directly overhead. Others present observed the object and Mr Dennis photographing it."

Being Involved

As a kid growing up in a small school, I remember going on field trips and always seeing the same mother's showing up as chaperones. My parents both worked full time and never had the opportunity to go to these, and many times not even able to attend our sport events in other towns, even if they were in the evening. My parents probably did more preparation and working around schedules, just to make sure we could still participate but still had a ride there or home, whichever the situation required. So even though they weren't there, they still did everything they could to make sure my brother and I were well rounded kids, involved in alot of extra curricular things. My brother focused mostly on basketball, baseball, and soccer. Two of which he dropped by the ninth grade, and only continued with soccer through high school. This, I realize now, was probably the worst of the three to choose, since it was not school funded or represented, but was a private league he'd been involved with since he was 5. Still, they made sure he was at every game, especially since he was the star player. I, on the other hand was involved in many more things and continued almost all of them through my entire school career. Volleyball, softball, soccer, track, cross country, choir, band, drama club, FHA, FBLA, FHA, SADD and a couple of other temporary clubs that didn't last long due to lack of interest. So yes, I was a very busy girl. At times, I even missed out on being in the group photos for the year book, since I was already gone on the bus on the way to a game or competition for another group. You would think I'd be a popular girl, but I wasn't. In fact in our very small school, (my graduating class was 45 ppl) the more you were good at, the worse off you were. It was best in my school to be good at ONE thing to shine at, why I don't know. Even the cheerleaders weren't popular, in fact they were kind of the leftovers of the girls that weren't quite sporty enough to be on the regular teams. I still enjoyed myself, however and found in my freshman year being the first and only freshman to be playing on varsity teams, a big accomplishment, but jealousy I guess outweighs appreciation and recognition. My point is that I always wanted my mom or dad to be able to come and enjoy these events, since they had worked so hard to make sure I got to participate. I always said back then, that if at all possible I would do what I could to try and be involved in my children's school activities. Now, I find that possibility happening. My oldest daughter, Katy, is in kindergarten and has a few class trips coming up, as well as class parties, and my youngest, Sydney is in pre-school right across the hall from her sister. I know it may not always continue in this way, but for now, I have the opportunity to be a classroom mom, and I am looking forward, and may even be MORE excited about their activities than they are! I can't wait to be there and see the joy on their faces, and meet their friends, and see just what their day is like at school. Sometimes as adults, we get so caught up in our everyday life of trying to survive and make sure the bills are paid, that we forget our children have lives too. They have routines, rules and responsibilities every day just like we do. I want to never forget this, and always let them know that I care what happens in their day and let them know if they ever need me or need advice or help, that I am here for them. If you are reading this and you have kids, put yourself in their shoes as a 5 year old going to school everyday, and imagine doing what they do. Putting their coats in cubby's, lining up for lunch, following directions to learn how to read, having a snack and sitting by their best friend. Imagine what they might be talking about at recess and how they might be acting. Do they have a clique? Do they talk to everyone and treat them all equally? Maybe your kid is bossy at home, and at school, away from you that turns into being a bully. Just take a few moments once in a while and try out some empathy.

Another Time, Another Place

I remember a few times the question coming up in different types of situations, and I never really had a good answer until tonite. I found myself watching a show called "Who was Jesus" on the Discovery Channel, and caught myself saying in my head, "If I could live in any other time, it would be then." Then I REALLY started thinking about it and what it would've been like, and the questions I could have answered. The only catch is that if I did have a chance to live in another time period, I would want to keep the knowledge I have now, from our time. If I went back and lived then without that knowledge, I would be no different from anyone else, and wouldn't have any questions to ask or mysteries to solve. One option they are giving in this show is actually just what I have always suspected; that Jesus was a great man, yes, but a MAN nonetheless. In a time without medicine or science, people clung to whatever they could, including "miracle workers" to give them hope. Jesus was not the only miracle worker of the time, just the most popular. I'm not saying that I don't believe those miracles happened, because I see and hear things everyday that just make you stop and go..huh that's crazy. I've just always questioned his "divinity". I know most people reading this are probably going to get upset, and I understand that, but I don't get upset at the fact that you believe, so I ask that you don't get upset at me for not. It doesn't make me a bad person, and I understand that people need something to give them hope, but I'm more of a scientific person who would rather see the facts and understand COMPLETELY without a doubt where something came from and how it came to be. I guess I'm and evolutionist because it just makes sense, there's no loopholes or missing pieces (or at least alot fewer). I would love to be IN that time and see it for myself, maybe discover things that I know would go missing years later, but supposedly exist, such as the Ark of the Covenant, Moses' boat, you get my drift. Anyway, that's my answer...if I could live in another time, it would be in the days of Jesus. How about you?

Neighbor Kids

This year, my daughter started kindergarten and she's making new friends, which I of course expected and was excited for her to do. The weird thing however, is that she never asks for any of these kids to come over, or stay the night. I know that she's a little above her 5 years, so I always assume it's just that most 5 year olds aren't quite ready yet to do an overnight with a family they don't know. Recently we have some new neighbors that moved in down the street. They have 3 boys that are a little older, and started out coming over on nice days playing outside. Gradually this outside play moved inside on cold days too, and now I find them knocking on my door to come in and play the Wii about every other day or so. I don't mind at all, they seem to be good boys, and in fact I've even had them out picking up my yard before, which I found hilarious. It's like their my little men of the house, and they're always willing to help and do the "guy" stuff. It's funny, because both times I was pregnant, I was scared to death to have a boy, I prayed for girl's and I got them. Now, I find myself wishing I had a little mama's boy running around. Who knows, maybe I got one more in me, somewhere down the road, but I want to finish school first and get that out of the way. I know I'm getting to that point where I'm honestly getting a little old to be thinking about starting over with another baby, but hey, America's contemporary business women do it all the time, right? Maybe I'll get lucky and have a boy, after all, I'm pretty tom-boyish myself, so it's not like I wouldn't know how to raise a boy, I don't know why I was so scared before. Maybe because I'd had such bad experiences with men that I didn't wanna bring another into the world. Meeting Sonny, my boyfriend, I see that there are good men out there, and I would be proud to raise one just like him. So I guess these neighbor kids that at first were a nuisance, are now inspiring to me and I thank them for that. After all, boys will be boys.

Steamrolled

So as we all know the old saying goes, you hurt the ones you love the most. I never really understood this myself, and continually strive to NOT do this. However, I do see it happening all around me and to me almost constantly. I have a family member who supposedly has a bi-polar condition and it seems like I don't really know whether to believe it or not. When she has an episode it's hard for me to fathom that it's the condition that makes her do it, and I can't understand how she can't control it. The things she does not only hurt her family and kids, but she also tends to hurt herself and has attempted suicide on many occasions, even with her children in the house. Now, as a sister, I completely disagree with the way she treats my brother, and seemingly takes advantage of the fact that she can pretty much go crazy for a day, do what she wants and then apologize and blame it on the disease. He keeps taking her back and I understand that he's in love and has had almost a decade with this woman, so of course he wants to try to make it work for their kids sake. To me, I think this is more harmful for their kids than good. I'm to the point with him that I've realized he's a big boy and can decide how much of it he can personally take, so all I can do is just be here for him when he needs me. The other side of me; the mother, is furious. I don't understand how a mother of 3 beautiful kids can be so selfish to say she's unhappy, wants to go out and do what she wants and do crazy things that they are witnessing. There are alot of things I would like to do, but I realize that my children come first, no matter how unhappy I am I do what I have to until I can find a solution. If she's unhappy, then she needs to fix that, and if she's not happy with him, then she needs to leave and not keep taking advantage of the fact that he is trying to do the right thing. I've always said I understand a medical condition, and I still do, but there's no magic pill in the whole world that is going to make someone ok, if they don't also have the desire to get better to work with that pill. I think she lacks this desire and in a weird sort of way, enjoys misery. I found myself in the middle of a situation this weekend, and trying not to lose my cool with her, even after being shoved down to the ground, and I still walked away. I think it upset me even more, knowing that I had no intention of a confrontation with her, and was only trying to help, but she still could not recognize that and decided to get physical. When I didn't respond back it made me realize something about myself I hadn't realized before. I've finally grown up. I have moved past that point when I would have started swinging just a couple of years ago, and I found myself instead thinking about my kids and where they would be if I fought back and got in trouble, or seriously hurt. I was proud of myself, and also a little embarrassed in a way. I'm not used to letting someone look stronger than me, especially in public, but anyone who knows me, also knows that my actions were the stronger ones. In short, I guess all I can do, despite the pain she has caused me, is to be there for my brother and show him that even with "love is blind" actions he does, he will always have family.