Down and Out

Well, haven't written in a few days, I guess I just haven't really been sure of what to say. Some days are ok, and others feel like the end of the world. I still miss Sonny, even though I really didn't think I would that much. There's another situation that isn't playing out the way I thought it would and I know what you're all going to think when you read this. Been talking to a guy I dated in high school and even went to prom with. He was my high school sweetheart. I know, I've mentioned him before and tried to play it off as friends only, but we both admit that we still have feelings for each other. The problem is, he approached me with this a few months ago and I wasn't comfortable going there yet, so that's how I ended up with Sonny. He respected that the entire time and still remained my friend. Now we have broken up, but Gordy is now engaged. He says he's thinking twice about it, and I hate myself for wishing he would end it. It just seems like it's not fair and that after 13 years we should have our chance again. The good person in me however, doesn't want anything to do with breaking another woman's heart. I have told him repeatedly to do what makes him happy because that is all I will ever want for him and I will still be here as a friend no matter what. The whole engagement seems like such a sham though! She lives in Las Vegas and he only sees her a couple times a year. He hid the engagement from family and friends only telling me and one other person. And he's admitting he has feelings for me. So tell me, what does that say to you? I don't understand if he feels the way he says, then he shouldn't be marrying someone, it's not fair to her. I can't lie, like I said part of me is screaming out to have my one shot at this amazing person that I've been trying to deny I was interested in, since I had a boyfriend at the time. The other part feels like the worst person in the world.